no doubt, get loud

I dig you, darling.

Would you please get the fuck out

of my head awhile?

The earth I trudge on

groans, shrieks cautiously, and sighs,

reminders anew.

June 2005, Redondo Beach, California.

Minutes before I moved to Las Vegas.

All I can do now

is pretend I cannot hear,

save for the gavels.

dashed with salt

There's something to be said for 'aha!' moments. They don't come often, but they come swiftly. You recognize 'em instantly when they arrive.

I've had most of my 'aha!' moments in school, primarily during math or philosophy classes (or both, if you consider that stray Intro to Logic course). I usually get a creeping sensation up the back of my neck which eventually reaches my head and won't stop until the final point of impact.

Crack.

'Aha!' I've got it.

Why didn't I see that before?

When I'm not experiencing that from school, I'm getting it from people.



Someone I am getting to know gave me that creeping sensation, especially when she told me we had a person in common. A person in common, with a heavy (albeit brief) kind of history. I browsed a few photos online, and there it was. A thought sparked and scrambled out of one photo, and into my head. It branched as far as it dared.

Oh.

Ah.

Aha! It became a memory.



All I can say is that the world can be a very small place at times. Be as kind to the people around you as you can manage; you never know when they'll show up to teach you something later.

The lessons don't ever stop. The best ones don't cost any money at all.

bending in the wind

I've mostly felt celebrated because of my physical features.


Perhaps that assertion isn't entirely fair; some have praised me for the role I play or once played in their lives. Daughter. Sister-of-sorts. Girlfriend. Confidant.


While it's wonderful to have the attention of others, it's frustrating having it if you're going to be put in some sort of categorial corner incessantly. It seems silly to lament the whole thing, doesn't it? We all do it to some degree.


I have come to recognize when certain people do it, whether consciously or not. Most of all, I am able to point out when I do it. It does make communication easier if you crave brevity, but it leaves lots of gaps as a result. The more gaps you leave, the harder it gets to fill them.


For the most part, I don't want to be a bother, so I don't mention that I'd prefer not to be called some things by just anyone. I shrug it off, and continue about my day.


This acquiescence may be seen as submitting, or even closeted behaviour. Be that as it may, I haven't got the time/patience to take issue with everyone that associates words or phrases with me out of their convenience.






I am alluding to gender.


I believe I have a mid-gender crisis, and I don't know how to convey this to people in a way that each of them (or even a good number) will understand. I'm still working it out myself.


Mind you, I said 'mid-gender'.


Genderqueer, or even genderblind, as I told a friend tonight. Neither male nor female. Don't want bottom surgery, but wouldn't mind top surgery if binding gets too tedious and if I can afford it.


That's right, surgery. I've thought it through that far.

Summer 2007, Los Angeles (Koreatown)

But there we are with the labels again. It all sounds so stereotypical to say 'I don't follow the norm', which is why I don't tend to say it. Saying such a thing would beg the question, 'what is normal?' and would you believe it, there are loads of ways one can answer. Fancy that!


All I know is that I wish to be appreciated for my non-physical traits first, and possibly forever. I also know the aforementioned is a lofty goal. It can't hurt to attempt to communicate that, and to tell those around me that femme is an act for me, a dramatic role. Femininity is a rare dish.

Summer 2007, Los Angeles (Downtown)

I'm working hard to find a balance while staying true to my core, as it evolves and takes shape -- that often starts simply keeping content with wearing the stuff I feel most comfortable in. I welcome opening up a dialogue with anyone who wishes to know more, and I feel as though I still have so much more to learn about this journey I'm currently on.

I won't cram my non-gender down your throat if you won't cram yours down mine. Deal?

rekindling old flames & the grateful train

I would call myself a hopeful romantic. It's easy for me to see the positives of a pairing possibility.


I walk into new ventures with plenty of smiles and my head held high. I listen, ask questions frequently, and am enthusiastic. 


I can say with no ego that my tenacity is astounding when I apply it; I like the chase and I'm good at seeing an end to it when I've decided I want to commit to something more.


The surges of energy are my favourite part. Goodness knows that my last long-term (long-distance) relationship had no shortage of 'em. The mind and body are more likely to go into overdrive after long periods of pleasure denial and short periods of desire fulfillment.






While the aforementioned's cheery and all that, the not-so-great aspects beg mentioning as well.


1. I have a habit of leaping before I look. I'm the sort that enjoys having her head in the clouds, but typically the result of that is learning the repercussions of such the hard way.


2. I often find myself doing things I don't want to do. Instead of attempting to strike up some sort of compromise that might include benefits for each person involved, I have a habit of letting others get their way because I believe I'll ruin everything if I don't. It's irrational, this fear, and I've already modified my behaviour to put this issue to rest (after lots of practice).


3. I overextend myself. The three all tie in, you see. New prospects are fairly exciting, and it's not uncommon to throw myself into the fray without considering that I may need some 'me' time. This may be the most common trait I share with others involved in similar romantic situations. It also may be the most difficult to rectify, as it comes into play elsewhere.






About 80% of this goes out the window if the romantic venture is a reconnection. The events leading up to the severing of ties previous is usually at the forefront of my mind. Paranoia. Second guessing.


It is likely that a rekindling will not see much success because of all of the things it has going against it, namely its history. Even if you get past that, there may be unexpected bumps in the road that are ill-handled. The damage can be irreparable. Fingers get pointed.


In times of frustration, anger or general pain, the first instinct fallacy (paraphrasing: 'your first instincts are your most correct') can easily come into play. For me, telling myself 'it's not my fault' is a coping mechanism to deal with the aftereffects of a break-up. Blaming others for the downfall of a relationship isn't necessarily the best idea. There needs to be some analysis, support from friends and/or family, and a period of mourning.






One behaviour change begets another. In changing Not-So-Great Aspect no. 2, I didn't realize that other changes would be affected. 


Mourning does not seem to be as important as it used to be; it expends tons of energy needed to do daily life tasks and enjoy people and activities. It is not altogether useless, especially if the history is long and intense, but there needs to be a cull at some point.




My experiences reconnecting with people on a romantic front has taught me a great deal, though I am no longer so keen on dating anyone from my past. 


The best I can do is try to keep some kind of platonic, warm tie alive with folks I've known very personally and intimately -- this is not always an available option, mind you. The best I can be is open about my shortcomings in the hopes that I can eventually sort them out. Sometimes only another person can reveal what these shortcomings are.






A close friend of mine recently said, "The day I stop learning, I die." I'm inclined to agree with her.