no doubt, get loud

I dig you, darling.

Would you please get the fuck out

of my head awhile?

The earth I trudge on

groans, shrieks cautiously, and sighs,

reminders anew.

June 2005, Redondo Beach, California.

Minutes before I moved to Las Vegas.

All I can do now

is pretend I cannot hear,

save for the gavels.

export/import

The consensus lately amongst folks who take time to zero in is this: I'm tired.


Those folks happen to be right. I'm tired emotionally, often tired physically, and my spirit suffers. I'm considering my options, and actively seeking correction for each offense.






Some backstory. I would consider myself to be a bit of a caretaking sort with people I get to know on a deep personal level, be it friendship or otherwise. I believe it's something I inherited from my late gran, and chose to keep around in my behaviour.


While we may not be able to help in ways that matter to modern society (read: material items we crave), we offer help in ways that people need but cannot or do not typically voice. A shoulder to lean on, a sympathetic but non-coddling ear, warm words, a hug. A genuine many-volted smile. These gestures are extensions of our very core, things that we do for the sake of furthering someone's well-being.






I may never know, but I do wonder if my gran grew weary of this sort of routine at certain intervals. To give, you must take out of yourself, being fully aware that you may never see those portions return. 


Investing in others is risky business, though that is not always obvious. Hindsight burns, and we begin to doubt. Our idea of 'wise choice' becomes skewed, compromised. We blame ourselves for bad situations.

July '11, Trout Lake, Vancouver, British Columbia

Reflection is vital. Survival is good temporarily, but in the long run we must find something better to sustain us. Living, giving and not losing too much of our identity, spirit, and ambition must endure.

dashed with salt

There's something to be said for 'aha!' moments. They don't come often, but they come swiftly. You recognize 'em instantly when they arrive.

I've had most of my 'aha!' moments in school, primarily during math or philosophy classes (or both, if you consider that stray Intro to Logic course). I usually get a creeping sensation up the back of my neck which eventually reaches my head and won't stop until the final point of impact.

Crack.

'Aha!' I've got it.

Why didn't I see that before?

When I'm not experiencing that from school, I'm getting it from people.



Someone I am getting to know gave me that creeping sensation, especially when she told me we had a person in common. A person in common, with a heavy (albeit brief) kind of history. I browsed a few photos online, and there it was. A thought sparked and scrambled out of one photo, and into my head. It branched as far as it dared.

Oh.

Ah.

Aha! It became a memory.



All I can say is that the world can be a very small place at times. Be as kind to the people around you as you can manage; you never know when they'll show up to teach you something later.

The lessons don't ever stop. The best ones don't cost any money at all.

open your eyes. it's a beautiful day.

Being somewhat shy of 30 years old, I still (hopefully) have time to change my mind. Despite that, two things I want for certain are as follows:

1. I want to do good. Good in general, and not a poor substitute for saying 'I want to do well'. Not good for the sake of being good, but because I want to. I want to exude positivity as much as possible.
2. I want to be remembered. Not necessarily for being good, though I definitely would not be averse to that. If someone cares for me, it'd be nice to know that I cross their mind once in a while, whether I'm living or have passed on.

19 Sept '11, the fridge in my aunt's home, Woodland Hills, California

Anchor and I returned from our Los Angeles trip last evening. I departed with the feeling that I'd accomplished above points one and two without much energy at all. Granted, I probably could have done a lot less drinking, but that's a tiny drop (pun slightly intended) in an ocean of activity.

20 Sept '11, Point Fermin, San Pedro, California

When I traded the Southwest for the Northwest, I felt relieved. Indignant, even. It took more of me than expected to adhere to this long-term plan of moving and actually seeing it through, and it made be a tad bitter. I honestly let myself forget about LA for a while, even with all the online contact with others. 

I made a thousand miles seem like three times that number. I had to, as a defense mechanism for the way certain interactions had affected me.

The distance was necessary. Perhaps it still is, in some aspects that shall go unnamed for the moment. There's loads to sort out.

It has taken a few trips, a couple of years, and interacting with a delicate number of people, but I have finally come to appreciate southern California in full. It was home to me, and remains such for friends and family I value. I'd be a fool not to acknowledge these facts.

Frustrations about the city I lived in were minimal compared to the frustrations about the life I was living, the parts of myself I stifled. It's better to have realized that sooner than later, and I'm grateful for the closure I was so desperately seeking without being fully aware of it.

bending in the wind

I've mostly felt celebrated because of my physical features.


Perhaps that assertion isn't entirely fair; some have praised me for the role I play or once played in their lives. Daughter. Sister-of-sorts. Girlfriend. Confidant.


While it's wonderful to have the attention of others, it's frustrating having it if you're going to be put in some sort of categorial corner incessantly. It seems silly to lament the whole thing, doesn't it? We all do it to some degree.


I have come to recognize when certain people do it, whether consciously or not. Most of all, I am able to point out when I do it. It does make communication easier if you crave brevity, but it leaves lots of gaps as a result. The more gaps you leave, the harder it gets to fill them.


For the most part, I don't want to be a bother, so I don't mention that I'd prefer not to be called some things by just anyone. I shrug it off, and continue about my day.


This acquiescence may be seen as submitting, or even closeted behaviour. Be that as it may, I haven't got the time/patience to take issue with everyone that associates words or phrases with me out of their convenience.






I am alluding to gender.


I believe I have a mid-gender crisis, and I don't know how to convey this to people in a way that each of them (or even a good number) will understand. I'm still working it out myself.


Mind you, I said 'mid-gender'.


Genderqueer, or even genderblind, as I told a friend tonight. Neither male nor female. Don't want bottom surgery, but wouldn't mind top surgery if binding gets too tedious and if I can afford it.


That's right, surgery. I've thought it through that far.

Summer 2007, Los Angeles (Koreatown)

But there we are with the labels again. It all sounds so stereotypical to say 'I don't follow the norm', which is why I don't tend to say it. Saying such a thing would beg the question, 'what is normal?' and would you believe it, there are loads of ways one can answer. Fancy that!


All I know is that I wish to be appreciated for my non-physical traits first, and possibly forever. I also know the aforementioned is a lofty goal. It can't hurt to attempt to communicate that, and to tell those around me that femme is an act for me, a dramatic role. Femininity is a rare dish.

Summer 2007, Los Angeles (Downtown)

I'm working hard to find a balance while staying true to my core, as it evolves and takes shape -- that often starts simply keeping content with wearing the stuff I feel most comfortable in. I welcome opening up a dialogue with anyone who wishes to know more, and I feel as though I still have so much more to learn about this journey I'm currently on.

I won't cram my non-gender down your throat if you won't cram yours down mine. Deal?