You breathe in, and as you slowly, deliberately exhale, admit "my cup runneth over."
Good.
Now, how do you figure out what to do with that knowledge?
I seem to have some awkward perpetual bond with my very first love. I've been able to dispel most of the energy from other lovers, if I've felt it necessary. Not this one.
It's awkward in the sense that we've been broken up for a couple of years now, yet frequently talk to one another with a timid warmth indicative of a connection that has been worked on at length by dedicated parties. (Our conversation is also occasionally seasoned by the hurt we've placed upon each other over this time; let's not forget.)
Awkward in the sense that we'd had an off-again, on-again unparalleled romance over the course of the near decade that we've known each other.
Awkward in the sense that the closest we've ever been to each other is when we decided to travel by plane or other mode of transportation. We do seem to have a knack, however, for tucking away and carrying memories in our pockets, which fly out and screech "hey! look at me!" right at moments when we've finally started to believe we've moved on.
April 2009, Griffith Park, Los Angeles, California
I think we've both made good-to-honest strides to distance ourselves from each other, because that's the healthy thing to do.* I'm in a long-term relationship with Anchor, someone I find myself even more smitten with today than when our friendship first began to take on much stronger, meaningful connotations. First Love is actively dating in his area.
It's hard to find a balance. Because this person still means so much to me, I don't wish to push him away. My life would be darker without him, no two ways about it. Still, I can't imagine how hard this has been for Anchor to process, mostly silently. I think about the crap he's had to take from me, my insecurities and my past, and I find it amazing he's around.
June 2010, private home, Portland, Oregon
The feeling of a stalemate on this subject is difficult to ignore. It leaves me frustrated, and I'm sure I'm not the only one. I have a habit of wanting to hammer at something until a solution produces itself, but not everything works out in that uniform a way. I may have to act somewhere in between being practical and being honest in the near future, and the part of me that chooses to act with my heart will absolutely hate the shit out of it.
I can only hope that all of us come out of this as unscathed as possible, which seems silly seeing as pain has been entering from every avenue since this rift has formed.
I don't have all the answers. I was so sure I did as a kid, but boy was I wrong. Perhaps no one really does.
*While I have been in open relationships for years now, there are some lines that can't and shouldn't be crossed. Sometimes you have to choose, and live with whatever consequences may come with that choice. I have, and I am, and overall... I think I'm OK.
