I've never been very good at hiding my feelings. They've developed a nasty habit of bleeding into the expressions on my face and into the words I say, as well as the behaviour I display. This has gone on ever since I can recall.
Sometimes I fool myself into thinking I'm a great pretender. It helps to get knocked down a peg or two by people that see otherwise.
It has been brought to my attention that when I get presented with bad news, I often shut down. I've become comfortable with the idea of going off alone for an undetermined amount of time to think about the steps that led to the bad news, and how to deal with it better should it happen again. I don't want to burden other people with my problems.
I am slowly coming to the realisation that I need to change the way I process. I need to understand that the people around me DO care, and that I should share what I'm feeling with them because they want to be there for me when I need them. So far friends of mine and loved ones alike have taken time out of their busy lives to offer advice and console me where necessary.
(Thank you. I really appreciate your efforts and you've helped immensely. You know who you are.)
The way I've been dealing with stress has been much the same. I failed to see the destruction my methods were doing. When I'm having it rough, it affects my everyday life, including my interaction with others.
My paramour has been asked by mutual acquaintances of ours, "Is Brandy okay?" or "Did I do something to upset Brandy?"
Now, this isn't very fair, is it? Actions I imagined to be harmless to others having the converse effect. To me that reads "CHANGE THIS. NOW." Urgent stamping and all.
Change doesn't come easy for me. What good or mandatory thing ever does? It's part of being an adult. Hopefully sorting this out will allow me to put some positive energy into the people I care about in turn, so that they know I can be there for them too. One day at a time.
Onward and forward we go.
